Image source: https://www.atonementfriars.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/christmas-mass.jpg
Excerpted from THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Behind-the-Scenes Tribute to Bob Hope's Incredible Gag Writers (c) 2009 by Robert L. Mills and published by Bear Manor Media.
FREE SAMPLE CHAPTERS + Photos: www.laughmakers.blogspot.com
An unabridged audio version read by the author is available at: http://teach.learnoutloud.com/Browse/Arts-and-Entertainment/Film_-Music_-Radio_-TV_-and-Pop-Culture/The-Laugh-Makers/33067
Taking a cue from Will Rogers, Bob Hope never met a holiday he didnt like. Be it Easter, Thanksgiving, Valentines, Groundhog Day or the Ides of March, a holiday theme was always as welcome around the production office as a hot buttered rum in a winter snowstorm.
Christmas, of course, was Hopes annual theme champ even during peacetime when his military fatigues were folded away in the cedar chest awaiting the next outbreak of hostilities. Even in the years that he entertained troops overseas, he produced a domestic Christmas special as well and aired the military shows in January.
The Christmas specials had become perennial ratings bonanzas that left high Neilsens in Hopes stocking year after year. Even beyond that, they were televisions longest sustaining Yuletide specials, continuing well after Andy Williams, Glen Campbell and Perry Como had packed away the prop fireplace and the flocked Douglas fir.
Whatever mysterious combination of elements made Americans take a break from their last-minute shopping to tune in the mid-December offering, Hope wasnt about to tinker with it; the Christmas show segments were as cast-in-stone as the Ten Commandments and the format was as predictable as the story of the Nativity itself.
Every Yuletide special was made up of these five elements:
Holiday monologue Associated Press All-America Football Team Seasonal sketch Rose Bowl Queen and Court Silver Bells duet
Each December, our rhyming dictionaries saw yeoman duty as we struggled to give the headline of the day a "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" spin. Be it Ollie North or a Cabbage Patch doll (strangely similar in many respects), we somehow managed to capture them in a couplet as this one in 1988:
"Its Christmas time once again But have fun while you can We just got word that Ollie North Sold Donner and Blitzen to Iran"
Or this 1983 entry:
"Its Christmas time around the world A season thats merry to all But this would be the best one yet If I could just find a Cabbage Patch doll"
Next in order came reminders of how the holidays were being celebrated in Southern California, with particular emphasis on the tract housing adjoining Rodeo Drive:
"They try to have a traditional Christmas in Beverly Hills, but it isnt easy. Yesterday, I saw Santa behind the wheel of a Rolls-Royce being pulled by eight Japanese gardeners." (1978)
Then wed make our mandatory stop on Hollywood Boulevard:
"The fellas celebrate Christmas a little different. Down there, they decorate each other." (1985)
Though Santa wasnt due to arrive for another week or two, we had the welcome mat out for him:
"Were having a typical Hollywood Christmas. Yesterday, Larry Flynt announced that he has secret tapes of Santa doing weird things with the elves. (1983)
During the Holiday Season, Hope's writers were not unlike elves, battling a deadline to meet our quota of gift-wrapped shopping jokes:
"A big seller this year is the Baby Tears doll. I asked the sales clerk, What makes it cry? And she said, Nothing, but when I tell you the price, you will. (1981)
"And with all the crowds this year, Ive never seen the sales people so nasty. I saw one floorwalker who got rid of his carnation and was wearing a Venus fly trap. (1978)
Each year, the Associated Press sports writers voted for their college dream team, and Hope would fly the winners to Burbank at considerable expense from all over the country.
Each player would trot out in full uniform and announce his name, college, and position. Then Hope would deliver a joke befitting the guys size, speed, kicking or passing ability:
PLAYER: Dee Hardison, University of North Carolina, defensive tackle.
HOPE: At school, they call Dee Peanut. Thats because when he gets through with you, youre shelled, salted and stuffed into a jar of Skippy.
Next, Hope would interview the Pasadena Rose Queen (NBC televised the Rose Bowl Game each New Years Day) who annually showed up on stage with her entire eight-member court, girls chosen from tony high schools in Pasadena or La Canada.
After covering her love of horses, dream of becoming a brain surgeon, or her collection of porcelain elephants, we never failed to have the Tiara-ed-one play straight to Hopes self-deprecating AARP-ster in an exchange like this:
QUEEN: Gee, Mr. Hope, you look so young for your age. How do you do it?
HOPE: Well, I eat well, get plenty of exercise and I have a makeup man who has a summer home in Lourdes.
Next up would be a Christmas-themed sketch like the one in our 1977 special in which Hope as "Barf Vader" has kidnapped Santa and "Luke Sleepwalker" (Perry Como) and "Princess Hialeah" (Olivia Newton-John) attempt a rescue.
The bit culminated with Mark Hamill, the actor who played the real Luke Skywalker, arresting the entire cast for desecrating a marvelous movie.
Hope had introduced Silver Bells, the Jay Livingston and Ray Evans classic, in the movie "The Lemon Drop Kid" and he sang it on every Christmas special in a different setting with duet mates ranging from Olivia Newton-John, Katherine Crosby, Loretta Swit, Bonnie Franklin and Melissa Manchester to Winona Judd, Reba McEntire, Dolly Parton, Marie Osmond and whenever the featured female guest was tone deaf his wife, Dolores.
This holiday format -- virtually unchanged from year-to-year -- held Hope in good stead for over forty TV seasons, and despite the onset of his declining health in the early nineties, NBC continued airing some sort of Hope Christmas special until 1994 when he took down the holly and the mistletoe for the final time, leaving no doubt that he had become an integral part of Christmas for millions of Americans.
Excerpted from THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Behind-the-Scenes Tribute to Bob Hope's Incredible Gag Writers (c) 2009 by Robert L. Mills and published by Bear Manor Media.
FREE SAMPLE CHAPTERS + Photos: www.laughmakers.blogspot.com
An unabridged audio version read by the author is available at: http://teach.learnoutloud.com/Browse/Arts-and-Entertainment/Film_-Music_-Radio_-TV_-and-Pop-Culture/The-Laugh-Makers/33067
